kiwi

This is the last entry i going to enter…. typing all my feeling telling it to a blog no longer work for me… it no longer help me disstress….. life are just not going to be same. Y m i keep looking back to those days where all the gd frens come together, it can nver happen again… Someone tell me those day when every1 grow up, all will go apart. I relied " No i will not and i believe we be 2gether as a grp as long as possible. " It seems so innocent and passionate to say all tat but the real world always dun let it happen that way. All good things come to the end. I must learn to accept it… life goes on. I am just dun belong to any of the grp….. Someone tell me it part and parcel of growing up…. Ya mayb it really true. I just being myself who always like to lie to myself to bring me away from the real world. I m awake already. I been suffering in this individuallistics life for every long. I am just someone who very scare of alone. I long to have all my childhood fren to be ard me every now and then. it over. She told me off today. She say I am selfish. Always think that the problems lie on others and only think of myself. Izzit true? M i? I ask myself repeatly. M i selfish? I treat my fren wholeheartedly and wad I get is I m selfish. It is definately a heart burning issues when I put loyality in the 1st place. A cruel slash in my heart when a unfair judgement like this come into the picture. Of all the pple, she tell me this. Now then I understand wad kind of person m I to her or mayb to them. Today i realise in fact I nver have a best fren in life. Until this moment of life, there no1 in the world that understand me well. I guess it need 2 hand to clap, I treat pple as my best fren pple only treat me as fren. So wad the point. Does duration of frenship counts haha i would say it th quality of the frenship tat counts. If life goes on like tat I will go into depression soon. Every weekends or free time i will always scroll down the list in my phone and hopefully to find some1 out for even a simple meal but nver can i get any1. Every1 is busy or has their own stuff. It become meaningless booking out from camp, at least in camp there is always work waiting to be done. Do I really have close fren who know my thinking, my feeling and my situations? Thinking through all this tears seems to fill my eyes. I need a getaway and long enough to 4get all this. I will get out of here and start a new life. Since I am not impt to any1, I shall find myself impt in other places. Friends haha… brotherhood haha… only there when every1 has the common goal. It will be gone and become a sweet memories when all of us not in line. There nothing to look forward to… No purpose. Farewell my frens nvertheless I hope u guys will do well.

CrAzYkIwI

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Last Entry

Recently got into this individual sickness…. dont know is i keep to myself or nobody free for me…. already master the art of individual well enough to watch movie alone, play bowling alone, shopping alone, riding alone and even running alone….. Life is cool now… alone doesnt mean bad… sometime get to think and focus more on the future… ya but anything happy or unhappy, stress or wadever also nobody to share….  just like now sick also no1 ard to care… sometime being alone is difficult… my PR skill getting bad… hm… used to b equip with quite already EQ but now it like gone… My fren say the problems lie on me…. I keep thinking negatively and put tat negative perpective on others thinking…. Mayb it the bad pasts tat affect me… I long for a slow pace life, living environment for me to recover…. brunei sound nice…. apply for saver and get my ass there??? one of the way…. hm… dunno kinda of lost especially when pple ask me wad i wan to do after i ORDed… No plan at all… no definate goals… no direction… floating in the middle of the ocean… haha… where all the plans i made a yr back… fuck at least at this moment i lost all my thoughts…. haiz…. pessmistic again… old mistake…

Grey sky ahead…. Light dizzle make a day worst… at least a thunderstorm make life exciting…..

Kiwi

Recently was thinking back i wasted alot of time le… After poly repeat a semester then go into army until now… hm… and also recently nothing to do stay at hm will slp if not surf net… i need some activities to spice up my life. Need to learn something to keep myself going. Been in the army for 3yrs+ liao, kinda of retarded. It like staying in a same level not leveling up. Is it too comfortable? haiz… i also dunno… life wasnt difficult for me as least until now or i shall say it kinda of comfortable. Ording in a yr+ time. need to plan for wad to do. My life style now is overspending. Every month my spending has been eating into my saving… No wonder my saving dun increase at all haiz… Do too much on my bike liao but there really alot to it. I must hold myself for a few mths to recover from all this loss… must plan carefully now liao… every cents counts haha… Getting old liao how can spend my time efficently? effective? hm… gd question…

It the 1st day of chinese new yr haha…. now 3.29am and i just reach hm from movie…. CJ7 nice show afterall hehe… hm…. dunno y dun have the excited feeling of CNY le mayb grow up le haha actually nothing much to look into also… Recently i went riding trip with my kakis to KL. It was damn fun where speeding wasnt a issuse but rather how fast u can go will matter… hehe i tried my R6 at 272km/h which was impressive at least for me 1st time…. average speed going there was abt 170km/h but coming we really wack hard and fast…. abt 200km/h on the average depend on traffic also… it was damn dangerous though especially when a car come into ur lane even at a distance of ard 1km… cos at 200km/h it very hard to pull to a slow speed can chances of hitting to it is damn high…. so we all practise well of our defensive riding… haha… next target will be thailand… i will say it wasnt very tiring but demanding becos going at high speed need alot of concentration and focus… once u lost it u r likely to b in the air wit ur bike haha… we have alot of fun at KL town also shopping… bought a slipper but cant fit well haha too small man waste money but ok lah it was cheap hee… recently met up wit some old frens whom long time nver contact haha was nice to catch up… still alot of old fren havent meet up mayb this period will be good since i have alot of leave and intake havent come in. Wondering how my cadets doing now??? hm…. still can cope? haha Ya meet up wit my wing comd at monster hse also… catch up and a gd complain session… haha roger was back also as usual cock haha… monster kid was cute wit big eyes and also big size like him haha… a yr more b4 i leave the force must make full use of this time… thought of going back for study but $$$ always the issuse and also it may mean giving up biking…. Shaowei mastered wheelie already haha pass me a few time liao… i feel so envy cos i been trying it for so long but cant… mayb like wad philip say if i put in as much effort for my stun biking last time then i will sure master it… haha hope so if not like wad he say 27 yr old liao then will nver master it liao haha… Recently also thinking of how to earn more money…. always overspend on bike every mth also touch on my saving no wonder it always decrease… Self reflection time also…. being as usual a failure in r/s i been thinking alot also… flirt too much man… need to get serious… always c successful couples round me damn envy also… hm… where my fated 1… haha think too much my white hair coming out again after i dyed it shit…. waste money liao haha… Anyway kinda of looking forward to c wad kind of boss will be coming in and also wad i can do to my platoon…. how can i find passion in my work? how can i make a different in each of the pple life? How can i motivate myself to work? haha so many question but only 1 solution….. It all about mindset and individual prespective…. how to change my mental model… aiyo… Need to kill my hot temperness also… my attitude also not really gd… keep clashing wit my fren recently… wake up u idiot kiwi haha write blog always let me feel like looking into a mirror. Idenify the problem, find the cure and kill the roots haha… Good days cheers

CrAzYkIwI

After midnite of 3rd dec…. i am 1 yr older le… 23 yr old is not young to me anymore… time to think serious… even though i still wun give up my biking life and even going into more serious tracking… i think i need to plan for future…. in another 1.5 yr time i be leaving army… what can i do the… Business idea coming everywhere…. must try start something in order to step ahead to my dream… " A cafe". Recently overspend on my bike already… yet still got alot things to do…. jialat…. 2008 coming le…. dunno how the business idea going to work out… hopeful it b good…. cpf all invested also… anyway not getting any hse in the next 4 yrs ba… haha…. my cadets finally commissioning soon…. great to complete a full batch finally… actually stay in OCS izzit a bad things after all…. just that the greatest joy will come after 9mths. Did i do my job well as an instr? hm… mayb still not to my maximum…. but sometimes it the evironment that pushes the man on…. goal for is to change myself totally….been wasting alot of time cant afford anymore… time is money… devote myself in looking for money… haha time to take over my family loads…. let my parent relax after so many yrs of hard work… no more study for me… cant afford to spend money on tat anymore…. life should b colorful…. 2008 i must fulfill my dream of diving, do a run on sepang track, new business, holidays trips see the outside world, complete my cls 4 & 5 and many many…. i think basically i wan a colorful interesting life…. tat all… haha… all those dun regard me as fren frens i will forgo….those treat me as fren thanx alot… i wan be happy go lucky… no worries no problems… nothing is a problem… i will give solutions to all of them haha…. life must be great… cheers….

Finally my new toy is here…. Yamaha R6 06 haha damn nice bike… sound nice look nice damn i love my new laopo… she need more accessories…. need new dress haha… my pocket is burning…. alot pple will ask does it worth haha.. end of the day yes it worth… at least it worth to me… without her i will be bored to death…. faster tuas track open i b there to burn my rubber… hehe… so excited… need a new helmet for myself also… hm… so exp man… cant bear to spend tat much… hope this yr bonus will be much better haha…. Arai Rx7 Shinya Nakano design best…. recently begining to like green color alot haha… tat the kiwi color man…. as usual still troubled by gers… haha y just cant find a prefect ger…. found le but i not their prefect boy…. sometime some self reflection must be done… hm… used to flirt too much already…. hai… bao ying…. no choice…. leave it to fate ba…. concentrate in my work, biking and my dream…. still not working hard enough for my dream… kiwi u must buck up liao… work harder… $$$$$ is nver enough… but really still not enough for my dream… Strive harder haha….

2day saturday have to work again… so bored…. live firing wad to do… hm… just cant get to slp… so late le 2molo sure zombie 1…. 300m markmanship test… can i get b a markman?? it a kinda of hard but will try haha for tat $200 also…. hopefully 2molo detailing dun cock up…. as usual train safe and i will get to keep my job for another day haha…  kind of excited over monday cos my beloved KTM 400 supermoto is selling off. hm… dunno will regret mah but i m sure to let it go…. move on man… Cls 2 here i come liao…. R606 hopefully will be a very good experience… spending alot on my ktm yet still let it go kind of stuipd rite… haha tat my style… mod until the last minute… hm…. tat big gun full system exhaust wit the JD kit really serve me well… power man… like it so much… supermoto days are ending in 2 days time…. sportbike will be a new challegne… dunno can handle mah… so many things to mod again… $$$$ again how to earn more man…. haha… think bike still the best interest to keep me going and busy… when can i go for my diving trips…. so many goals to achieve haha… touring to KL man… alot… haha i wan my life to be as busy as possible…. ya man….. but of cos feel wit interest not work lah… Did my 1st video for my guys back in starlight… feel damn good… thanx to vincent for coaching me… it not easy… i struggled so hard to complete it… haha quite satisfy thought haha… finish soon man 6707 foxtrot wing… cant wait to get out for there… haiz… but luckily my peers and boss is still good just some upper level cant make it… life in OCS wasnt as easy as an instr compare to cadet. hm… if not for my fellow peers and also my cadets to wun wan to work at all… no sense of belonging and also no motivation to go on… losing confidence compare to cadet koh… SOM is just something i achieve last time but hard to live up to it… the phrase " A good cadet might not be a good officer " is really true…. come to think about it, my ideal officer standard i still far from it and mayb not achievable liao…. During my last 1 1/2 yr of instr i really hope to impart all my knowledge my skills my nonsense and also to produce cadets as close to my ideal officer standard… All my flaws should nver happen in my "products". Hope my vision can keep me ongoing until i ORD… haha…

I am now currently in brunei working been raining almost everyday. My cadets suffering outside… hope things will b good my guys… 2molo last day and it the end of the suffering 9days.Endure and excel. Few days ago when i was back from field got this bad news. It was really fuck up to heard my fellow fren had pass away. very sad…. he died for his favorite sport running. Such a fit and healthy person can just go off like tat…i was naturally very shock when i heard tat news. 21km AHM run should b nothing my my fren here CPT Ho. He always well know for his stamina and fitness. haiz… A nice guy with good future… young captain with many achievements…. life is just too fraglie…. hopefully it better in the other world….. Sir i will always remember u….

CrAzYkIwI

today i was enlighten by a fren of the theory of r/s… haha…. i always treat a ger whom i like very well, try to give her everything i can. Go out with her stick to her sms everyday fetch her hm whenever i can. R/s doesnt work that way. By working hard and giving ur best for r/s doesnt mean there will be result. End of the day it all about feeling. if the ger dun not haf any special feeling on u then no matter wad u do also useless. She will just try to stay away from u cos she dun wan to sent a wrong msg to u. Ended up like irritating the ger and make urself a nusisanse. hm…. truely understand now and feel it now. No point working hard to win the heart of the ger u like but rather working hard on a ger who has special feeling on u. So fate counts. It so troublesome but nvm i m enlightened le. I think mayb should just concentrated all my effort in work ba. there comes another problem. whether to study or not. Go brunei work? leave the force? haiz…. cant make up my mind. cant really decide. study then mean stay in the force for life but consideration is fail study and even pass le also scare will regret staying in the force. go brunei purely for money but will waste 1 yr of life cos it just too bored. leave the force scare no gd job offer outside for me. haiz… all got pro and con… how man…. need a holiday break soon… so many things to decide soon my hair all becoming white now is 1/10 liao haha. God save me ah…. haha god know nothing but anyhow…. fate lies in my own hand… tis is the most important part of my life which decide my future.

CrAzYkIwI

Suddenly feel tat i soon lost the purpose of nite life…… Singapore nite life is all about club, ktv, billaret and wad else…. haiz… sian…. i dun like to go to KTV pub or anywhere to drink…. 1st i dun like drinking but most important there alot of pple get drunk will get crazy… i dun like c pple drunk liao then like the whole world own them…. hai…. drink to b happy not to b sad wad…comdem that man…. losing the purpose of riding… is it time to sell off my bike?? no more rounding at my age le…. alot pple dun ride le…. so wad for i ride…. only regret is i cant master wheelie… but i think mayb it time le ba….. every1 grow up haf their own life le…. i really scare of lonely… i haf no interest le if i dun haf bike… hm… Life goes on man…. need some1 or something new to make life colorful…..